Updated: 1 day ago
CONTENT WARNING: Random ramblings of a 22 y/o lie ahead (seriously I just let myself type what came to mind at the moment -- you've been warned).
Maybe it's just me, but I've noticed that I'll go through periods where I feel kind of like I'm transforming. I honestly never really know exactly what I'm 'transforming' into but it always feels like I am taking one step away from who I was, and two steps closer to a new version of myself. I've gone through so many of these phases that the me from senior year of college is pretty much unrecognizable to myself compared to the me of April 2022. I don't really know if any of this makes sense, it is so hard to describe the feeling in words. I'm sure other people out there feel it too, but maybe the way they would describe it is just different. It's almost like I am constantly glowing up, or even down, and I am learning from every evolution of myself. I have learned from past versions of myself to be more independent, to expect more from myself, but also be gentle with myself.
These evolutions are usually accompanied with an intense feeling of wanting to venture out beyond what I know. I get these almost overwhelming desires to travel and meet tons of new people, then once I've had enough of it, I stop and reflect. Once I've seemingly reflected enough on the new version of myself and the new people in my life, my mind basically decides it's time to start the cycle all over again. Each cycle is different though, and each time I think it is my mind's way of determining what I need to learn next to better myself and what exactly is the best way for me to learn it.
I've always been restless, and while I harbor a deep appreciation and love for my home, I also am obsessed with newness. Newness is scary though, and as a creature riddled with anxiety I have had a lot of trouble grasping the benefits of change and new things. However, it hit me like a ton of bricks the other day as I was driving to the airport -- whatever changes I have to face in life, good or bad, I have made it through worse. Change can hurt even when it's meant to be good, and change can be scary even if it is something beautiful.
The phases that I was talking about at the beginning of this post are micro changes that affect me on a macro level. These changes are scary when I stop and see myself becoming a new version of me that I have yet to meet, but they are also beautiful. I have to surrender to the transformation my mind insists on because otherwise I will be stuck like a thorn in my own side.
All this babbling aside, I am really thankful for the person I have become today. I am also incredibly thankful for all of the people I have met along the way who have led me to become this version of myself. Even if I am no longer in contact with certain people, the relationships I had with them have shaped me more than they know. I am ever changing and I am incredibly happy about it.
Peace Out Girl Scout,